An Amber Adventure.....Watch Out!

Well for those of you waiting with hogs breath for another Amber adventure ride story this one won't disappoint you.

This was my first ride of the season, Prineville in Central Oregon. This ride is in its 34th year.

Josh my friend/trainer who moved out from Memphis to help me condition and ride this season didn't get to Oregon in time to help me ride out the big boys and I was on the fence until the day before leaving as to if I was even going to go.

Thursday I said Ok, we are going and just do a slow LD. I am the worlds biggest woosey when it comes to riding in the rain and dang if it didn't just pour buckets Friday all night. Saturday it let up and we got ready to take off.

I let Josh ride Dude (D'Artagnon) and I chose to ride Strider. Well once again Strider was having one of his "Arab" moments before the ride. I knew we were going to be doing his infamous gait....The Tennessee Prong for the first five miles if I could manage to stay on board that long. This was the hottest Strider has ever been before a race and I was not in the mood for it. He didn't even care about leaving D'Artagnon, he is a very competitive horse and once he is wound that tight, all I can do is let him out and get the starch out of his shorts and hope for the best.

Off we took and shortly after the start we went into the trees up a canyon single track with a cliff on the up side and a revine on the down side. Mud slicker than snot and no where to go but on the trail. No passing I will tell you on this stretch.

Right before it got too tight I let some riders pass and got Josh and Dude behind me again hoping that Strider would regain his mind. Winding up the mountain all of the sudden I see trouble coming back down at us and my stomach started to churn.

Here comes a riderless horse hell bent for leather. I thought oh sheet man, this ain't good. It was switch backs so I saw it only for a glimpse but knew this was gonna be bad. Just how bad was yet to come.

On the next switchback I was starting to feel the horror that was still yet to come and come and come. The horse was not only riderless but the saddle was under her belly and she was freaked out big time. Remember now, there was no place to get the hell out of this horse's way on this trail. There were three of us in line for the catastrophe.

I was first and when Strider saw this mare bucking and freaking he started to freak out and spin on this snot slick trail. Then the mare went down the ravine and I thought we were going to be spared if she stayed down there and continued past us. Strider still freaking out and me trying to do anything to get control and stay in the saddle.

Josh trying to talk me into anything of sense and all of the sudden here comes the riderless horse barreling right up the side of the ravine and while Strider is spinning the mare blasts right into us on the spin. I don't remember what the heck happened then but Josh said while Strider was airborne and taking off I came off flying backwards with legs fully extended arms extended backwards and landed on my back and skidded for aways.

Strider took off like a bat out of hell with the mare and now there were two maniac horses on the loose on this trail with more than half the riders still behind us.

I was knocked pretty good my head, my back, legs, chest. Well better to say what didn't hurt. Josh was going to insist to stay with me and I was so cotton picking mad we had a brawl right there with this poor timid woman that was in line with us while I cussed up a storm and told him to forget about me and go get my $#!@ Horse!! Oh I was a cussing like you can't believe. Well those of you that know me can.

Finally Josh took off to get Strider and I got up and my my... wasn't I surprised to see that my beautiful Irideon tights that you all know how I covet were not just torn but shredded from the back of my ass, my entire left leg and my crotch. I kept thinking how on earth did they shred like this??? I was shocked at it all.

But that wasn't the really bad part. Get this.... You know how your mother always told you to wear nice underwear in case you ever got in an accident and had to go to the hospital to not embarrass yourself or her with dirty or torn undies on? Well I never forgot that especially with all the wrecks I get into.

So I bought these $19 riding underpants from Jeannean at Torsion and I thought I packed them and I went to put them on before the ride Sat. Morning and hell far! (hillbilly talk there) I go to slip into them and they were my $.99 K-mart crappy old things with OLD being the key word here, I mean K-Mart closed down over 10 years ago so what does that tell you?

I looked at those tattered OLD things and said I ain't wearing those so I just decided to do what I always do, not wear any undies. Getting the picture here folks?? Here I am on the trail with my beautiful Irideons split clear across my backside, down my leg and across my crotch and NO UNDERWEAR!!!

Now I am in pretty decent shape but no woman in her err, ah well over forty..or fifty has an ass that should be shown at my age especially with mud smeared all over it. And no where to hide it!! Gads forget the blow to my head, my sprained body....y'all know how VAIN of a witch I am and here I stand hanging out for all to see. Oh I still am mortified by it all.

I did notice that the riders coming up the trail "Behind" me spurred their horses to giddy on up faster after seeing me standing there *Bringing up the REAR* dang it all.

Some wiseacre mentioned up the cliff there was a road maybe I would like to walk on. Oh sure, but climbing up it was going to be a purdy sight now wasn't it? I waited for a break in the riders and clawed my way up to the road. Then Josh came along with Strider in tow and he got on the road and he offered me his jacket to wrap around my bare butt, it wasn't big enough I will tell you that, but better than what was showing. I got back in the saddle and hunkered down hoping to hide it on the ride back to camp.

This was poor Josh's first time at an AERC ride and I told him to continue on with D'Artagnon and there would be plenty of people to help him and just try to get in on time after all of this. He finally took my advice and took back off. (yeah, I think he was relieved to get away from me and not have to admit he even KNEW this ol wench with the bare bottom flapping in the breeze...Amber who?)

I was so upset to miss my first ride, my pants ripped to shreds literally, and thinking I would have my very first pull on my otherwise perfect record.

As I was heading back, the husband of the gal whose horse was the runaway came driving up and asked if I was ok and I said I would be fine. Then he pulled a pair of tights out and sheepishly mentioned his wife said I needed a pair of pants! I put on a Martha Stewart smile and declined saying I could make it back to my rig and be fine. Hrumph.

I got back to camp, saw a friend of mine and told her what happened then I started to hear the rest of the carnage that took place. It was like domino's after me.

Four riders came off, one woman with two juniors got knocked unconscious and didn't know where she was, who she was. Another woman was knocked off but managed to get back on and complete her ride, another woman was knocked off and she was the worst hurt, broken leg, collapsed/punctured lung and had to go and stay at the hospital. One horse that ran with the runaway horse went through barbed wire and filleted open its chest and the head Vet worked for two hours stitching it up, a pool of blood still wet 7 hours later when I came in.

Oh, after I heard all of this I decided I wasn't so bad after all and had Susan my friend hold Strider while I changed pants and got back on my horse and left 1 1/2 hours after the start to do my ride. I figured I paid my fees and dammit I wasn't going to sit at the camp and sulk, (and watch the rest come in howling about the broad with the butt hanging out on the trail) so off we headed all alone.

Man I could have set up a little tack sale with all the stuff I found on the trail, ez boots, saddle pads, canteens, water bottles, shoes. Everything but underwear, I would have dismounted for those. Strider didn't have any of the Tennessee Prong left in him after all that excitement and I was having a headache but we plugged along.

The mud was merciless and even though I just had the big boys shod on Monday I feared shoes being sucked off and when I got into Vet Check sure enough Strider had his left front gone, never to be found again. It was slow going on the first 14 miles to Vet Check. With no other horses to pace us it took us about 2 1/2 hours to make it in.

Strider vetted in just fine but the clock was against us and I was starting to really stiffen up. Left VC @ 12:06pm and had to make it the next 11 miles by 1:30 to make completion. This loop was pretty fast but now Strider was off on his front and I was really hurting in my chest and back and head. I was afraid of stone bruise on his barefoot so we just pretty much gave up the ship and trundled on in getting in at a bit before 2:30pm. When I got there Josh was in and he took over Strider and vetted him in for me of which I was grateful, I was spent to say the least in fact the last four miles I was so tempted to sack out in the nice green dewey grass and let Strider graze while I just died in the desert. The fifty milers were now passing me by so I figured Strider would find his way back and be fine. My ass was now covered up and I could die with dignity.

My fortitude took over and we dragged our sorry behinds into finish. Gene Nance my favorite Ride Vet just sighed and gave me a huge hug telling me he heard the story. He kept my Vet Card and gave me the bad news that I couldn't get a completion. But, But....I weakly protested I did make it in time seeing as how I left at 9am the second time around and got in before 2:30pm and how's bout the great freak show entertainment I gave the riders....don't that count for an award? The "Tail End" award or something?"

Dr.Gene said I could appeal to AERC BOD and give them a good laugh. Hrumph. My perfect record now blemished, that hurts me more than my big fat fifty something fanny hanging out for all to hee haw over.

Golly Gosh and Gee Whiz, why am I always the spectacle and never the spectator? I deserve something, drat it all.

Hey and talk about "TRUE GRIT!!" last night when I took a shower I found dirt and gravel in crevaces where no dirt and gravel should ever be.

I am buying some boxers to carry in my saddle pack. A must have item from now on. My mother probably was rolling over in her grave at the sight of me.

Endurance Racing....The Worlds toughest Equine Sport! Ya gotta love it.

Calamity Amber rides again